People who aren't leaders try to win arguments. You know, attack your opponent in his weakest spot, and keep hammering away until he's defeated, and you're the winner. That's what we call a win-lose. Leaders know that win-lose works in sports and politics, but not in life.
If you want to win at life, you'll need to learn the art of win-win discussion. The minute you start to argue with someone, stop - and ask this question: "What do we agree on?" You're arguing with your spouse about buying either an SUV or a truck. Stop and ask: Why do we need another vehicle? Can we agree on this?
The idea here is simple: in every disagreement, we can find some agreement, if we pull back and look for it and if the two of us begin to say yes; instead of a steady stream of no's. This puts us in a better mood to cooperate and compromise.
Two Harvard professors, Fisher and Uri, wrote the classic books on this subject. One is called "Getting to Yes" and the second one is "Getting Past No." They say most disagreements occur because we keep shouting about what we want and never say why we want it. Quite often, both people will agree on the "why" and then it's easier to get to the "what."
Leaders find themselves in heated discussions just like the rest of us, but they've learned the art of win-win. Today, you can be a leader too, if you want to